Jihad Scuba is proud to announce the re-opening of its latest five star training facility in Hindukush Mountains, Khurasan, Afghanistan (Right under the noses of the stinking Infidels.)

    We are now accepting applications for homicide bombers (students) to attend the next scheduled dive classes. (Time is of the essence, literacy not required.)

    With our talented Mujahideen staff, we are now able to provide accelerated training in not only the most basic use of underwater scuba gear, but provide advanced training, up to and including the most highest leadership levels known to holy worriers, and other dive industry insiders. (Limited to those students who show a religious zealot approach to the course curriculum.)

Courses Offered
Introduction/Promotion

    The Jihad Experience

Basic Skills Training Classes

    Basic Jihad Diver
    Advanced Jihad Diver
    Night Jihad Diver
    Open Underwater Warfare 1
    Breathing In (and for leadership personnel... "& Breathing Out")
    Cave, Tunnel, & Sewer System Identification (and Appreciation)
    Field Expedient OxyAcetylene Rebreather Construction
    Slightly Used Celestial Virgin Navigation

Advanced Leadership Training:

        Master Jihad Diver
        Jihad Diver Instructor
        Jihad Diver Instructor Trainer
        Jihad Diver Instructor Trainer Coordinator
        Jihad Diver Lifesaving and Accident Management (discontinued)
        Allah Apprentice
        Celestial Virgin Quality Control Inspector (by special invitation)

Course Descriptions

The Jihad Experience (A Resort Short Course, for Promotion/Recruitment/Indoctrination)

        This course, conducted at various dive vacation destinations around the world, will introduce the prospective student to the pleasures of a Holy War against the ZionistCrusader alliance in a light and friendly atmosphere.

    Prospective students will get to inspect colorfully painted  open circuit and closed circuit weapon delivery scuba systems, and will actually get to try using one in the pool or other shallow closed water environment.  Playing games should be encouraged like, "tip the canoe", or "tie a yellow ribbon around the old ship propeller".

    After the day of fun and games, dinner and nonalcoholic cocktails will be served.  Later, the smoking light will be lighted, and a stash of the Talibans Finest "Gold"  will be offered for enjoyment in the ceremonial Hookah.   And speaking of hookers, the world famous Celestial Virgin Dancers In Training  will be the entertainment for the rest of the evening, ... depending how lucky the prospective student is.  (ALLAH'S BLESSING AND SALUTATIONS ON HIM)

    Prior to retirement, the prospective students will be offered an invitation to attend  Basic Jihad Diver school, and encouraged to plan their next dive vacation through Jihad Scuba, to Khurasan, Afghanistan.  (The most holy/lucky who accept  the invitation will be given a prescription for celestial penicillin).

Basic Jihad Diver

           The most important course.  This is the course that will make or break the Jihad. (PRAISE ALLAH)  By the completion of the Basic Jihad Diver, the graduate will know how to make a personal temporary life support underwater  weapon delivery system, prepare it for use against hostile ZionistCrusader shores, navigate a way through natural or manmade concrete  waterways and coordinate your final and fatal attack on a target of someone else's choosing. (PRAISE ALLAH)  After the attack you will be issued your  67 celestial virgins (5 of your 72 are held in reserve for use by the instructional staff)  for a job well done. (PRAISE ALLAH)

All Other Classes

    Additional classes should not be necessary or expected as the Basic Jihad Diver course was designed to cover all the information in the above listed classes on a need-to-know basis,  which has been tailored to each student's mission.   And if the Basic Jihad Diver graduate was successful in his mission, his absence would be excused. (PRAISE ALLAH)  (And if the Basic Jihad Diver graduate was not successful in his mission, his headless body will have no need for further instruction.)

     But,  just for the record, and for the administrative purposes of accountability and disbursement,  all of the listed courses are offered, and funded by our generous supporters (PRAISE ALLAH).  Make charitable donations payable to  Jihad Scuba, LTD, LLC.)
 

Facilities: All classes are conducted in the air-conditioned caves of the Hindukush Mountains.   Water work including distance swims will be held in adjacent dry lake beds, when the Mirage is up.

Books:  Required texts you should already own.  The scuba manual, considered your dive bible is The Koran (read between the lines).  Dive tables are listed in Appendix A of the Koran.  (You  memorized Appendix A, didn't you?)

Instructors:  Only the finest and Most Holy instructors will lead you on your journey to your scuba diving Hereafter.  All of our instructors have had crossover training in all sea, air and land Jihad delivery systems with special emphasis on our newest top secret - the JDV (Jihad Delivery Vehicle), which will soon be deployed throughout the network.

Jihad Delivery Vehicle:
The JDV (nicknamed the Spitting Beauty)  is a Highly Mobile Mostly Vegetarian, air deliverable, two speed, single hump, combat conditioned Dromedary, which has been specially bread and trained for all terrain use, including the ability to tow a Jihad Diver on the surface of the water over  ten miles, and on but a single breath-hold, tow that same diver underwater over a nautical mile to the target!  (PRAISE ALLAH, PRAISE ANIMAL HUSBANDRY.    Just don't get caught at it.)

(A list of some of our instructors and the courses they teach follow.)

Osama Bin Bob
Jihad Scuba Course Director,
Instructor:  FEOAR Construction, Slightly Used Celestial Virgin Navigation, Celestial Virgin Quality Control Inspector
motto:  "If you can't build an oxyacetylene rebreather, you shouldn't be in the Jihad."

Osama Bin Ron
Jihad Scuba Instructor Supervisor,
Instructor: Basic Jihad Diver, Celestial Virgin Quality Control Inspector
motto: "If I can teach my camel to dive, I can teach you!"

Osama Bin Erick
Jihad Scuba Consultant,
Instructor:  OUW1, CT&SSI, Celestial Virgin Quality Control Inspector
motto: "I can teach you to hide better than a woman can hide in her chador."

Osama Bin Nate
Jihad Scuba Legal Counsel,
Instructor: Breathing In and Breathing Out, Celestial Virgin Quality Control Inspector
motto: "You're only open circuit trained? And when did you start to shave and put on a veil! Real Jihad warriors dive rebreathers."

Osama Bin Marc,
Jihad Scuba Chief Logistics Officer,
Instructor: Crisis Escalation Management, Celestial Virgin Quality Control Inspector
motto:  "Hey Jihad hot rod!  If you can't build a rebreather I might be able to arrange to get one for you ...with less miles on it than the resident celestial virgin."
 

Minimum Requirements for Admission:

1.     Fatalistic outlook.   Any prospective student, be you ignorant; impressionable;  idealistic; criminal; or stubbornly committed to the notion that you have nothing to lose is welcome, as long as you can follow orders.  (You are all cannon fodder to our wealthy Jihad Orchestrators.)

2.    Ability to keep your mouth shut.

3.  Payment up front of many American dollars, to be deposited into our Swiss bank account.
 
 

    Ok, I guess by now you have figured that the CEDU may have something to do with this page.  I cannot tell a lie, the contents of this page were "lifted" from the website;  www.JihadDiver.com.  (Now, how's that for plausible deniability!  Ollie would be proud.)   This webpage, as with most of my other pages, contains some truth, some half-truths, and some down right lies, but mostly it contains satire.   (Satire, as in " irony, sarcasm, or caustic wit used to attack or expose folly, vice, or stupidity".  Though there are some who may not get it.)

    Please, don't let my attempt at humor diminish the seriousness of this very real threat to our security that acts of terrorism have caused.   These terrorists have already succeeded in changing our way of life.  In our open society, it is virtually  impossible for any government  to guarantee total security to everyone.    We all have a new job now, which is to not let criminals get away with any more acts of terrorism too easily.   Keep your guard up and eyes open.

    Everyone of us, including all those involved in our diving hobby,  should be on the lookout for suspicious activity in and around that which we are most familiar,  and report it to an appropriate agency.  The Price of Freedom has many costs.  We must all contribute what we can.

Respectfully,
Bob
Director, CEDU

10  Prospective scuba students asking if they need to know how to swim before they can learn how to dive.     (On second thought, please disregard this one, as far too many of them really do ask this question.)

  9  Prospective students asking for instruction on clandestine underwater swimming and navigation  instruction in a straight and level mode only,  with no interest in how to go down, come up, or any reverse compass work.

  8  "Technical" drysuit divers wearing one too many adult diapers.

  7  Divers talking about diving their next wreck,  ... which happens to be still afloat !

  6  Divers carrying Fish Identification slates which have pictures from Jane's Fighting Ships laminated to the back.

  5  When getting tanks filled, divers asking for just enough air to get them to "that big ship".

  4  Divers requesting a good deal on dive gear, cash and carry -  warranty not necessary.

  3  Any email that says;  " Send me blue-print of you're rebreather,  now!   (PRAISE ALLAH) "

  2  Any certified letters requesting 2,000 of  your lightest units suitable for dry cave use, 30 day net,  Khurasan, Afghanistan.

  1  Any diver trying to Light a Fuse which is sticking out of  his dive gear, including flippers, or any body orifice.

References used for making this page. (Some links you may find of interest, amazing or scary.)

26 May Terrorist alert....       http://www.cnn.com/2002/US/05/26/terror.threats/index.html
bin Laden declares war        http://www.azzam.com/html/articlesdeclaration.htm
Qur'an (Koran) translations    http://ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext01/koran10.txt
The bit about 72 Virgins:       http://www.straightdope.com/columns/011214.html